Building Bridges

I support Same Sex Marriage. I’m a Mormon.

I know this topic stirs up quite a bit of emotion (on both sides) when I make this sort of statement. And believe me, I am not one who likes to stir the pot. I run far away from political commentary as often as possible and would rather pull off my own toenails than talk about current policies. However, I’ve been lying awake tonight and know I must write down my thoughts. But before I get into it, I will make this disclaimer: Please do not be afraid to disagree with me. What is meaningful to me may not be meaningful to you. This is just my attempt to bring one more view to the table and help bridge a gap that I see getting dangerously wide.

I am what some would call “very” Mormon. I go to church every week, I served a mission, I follow the word of wisdom and other commandments that are unique to our religion. I am in no way perfect, and would never claim to be. But I believe deeply in this gospel and it is a beautiful part of my life. I plan on continuing down that path forever, and (in my beliefs) for eternity. If you want to know more about that belief, I will be more than happy to talk to you about it.

Here’s the thing. Politically I support same sex marriage. So how do I reconcile the fact that I regularly attend and affix my beliefs to a church that doesn’t support it? Well, the short answer is: I don’t. I can’t reconcile what my church teaches and what I believe. But as I have prayed and considered and pondered over for the past 5 ½ years (and most diligently the past year), I have come to some conclusions of my own.

1.     People who are Gay and Lesbian are my friends

       What if (as a heterosexual) you were told, “Hey, guess what? Liking people of the opposite sex is wrong. Marry someone of your own sex.” It would be hard for me. Very hard. I would be scared and confused and sad. I do not believe homosexuality is choice, and that is in addition to all the research I’ve read. And even if it was, my friends who are gay say it is not, and I believe them. And again, why would anyone choose to go through such a hard experience? In this life we are given the challenge of being happy. And sometimes what makes us happy isn’t what makes everyone else happy… or even comfortable. My friends have gone trough a very difficult struggle of deciding the path they must follow in life. Some more difficult than others. And I applaud anyone who has gone through such a struggle and come out with a better understanding of who they are and what their purpose is on this earth. That is no easy task, and I think we can all agree on that.

2.     I support values that are good for our Society

       I have loads to say about this point, but I’ll try to condense my thoughts. In my opinion the homosexual community has, in some ways, thrown the baby out with the bathwater. Because they feel they have been labeled as “bad” or “sinful,” they have created a community that accepts all types of behaviors. Drinking, drugs, and promiscuity are high among the community. It isn’t what all homosexuals practice, but it is easy to feel comfortable among people who accept all behaviors.** In promoting marriage we can tell the gay and lesbian community, “Hey, you are a valuable member of our society. You have a lot to contribute, you deserve a marriage just like anyone else.” In addition, making strong commitments (like marriage) encourages individuals to take life seriously, and to be examples for their friends, for their children, for their family members, etc etc etc. Again, if you would like to discuss this more, please feel free to ask me.

3.     I believe in a powerful God

       Who am I to say what God will or will not do? God is powerful and full of elegant solutions. We all have such a limited perspective, don’t you think? It’s as if we are all walking around with half of a brain and the challenge of this life is to understand that there is, indeed, another half that we don’t understand. So I believe God loves EVERYONE and knows both halves of the brain. And if he understands all and accepts all, then he can make sense of what is happening. Both in this life and in the next. This is MY belief: that God will make it all work for our good if we really do what we FEEL is right. If it (whatever I believe) turns out to be right, He will love me. If it turns out to be different than right, He will still love me. And he is powerful enough to get me to where I want to be. He can do that for everyone, no matter what they believe. And like I said, this is what helps me. This is my belief. Not yours. But this is how I’m facing the ideals that I want to have.

Now - Having said all of that, there is a battle going on (I purposely omitted the word war). And I don’t think that either side is fully innocent. I have seen many on the side that wants to ban same sex marriage accuse the other side of worldliness, promiscuity, lack of values… blah blah blah you name it. BUT – I have ALSO seen many on the side supporting same sex marriage accusing the other side of close-mindedness, hatred, lack of education/understanding, and (most hurtful for me), brainwashing from religion. Honestly, that hurts. Listen to me: Religion doesn’t make decisions, PEOPLE DO! And every single person on this planet has been hurt, has been confused, and is looking for answers. Does that give either side an excuse? No, not necessarily. But do you know what it CAN give? UNDERSTANDING.

Here are some points that may increase understanding on the other side of the issue.

1. In Utah's case, one judge can make all the difference

       What about a democracy? The people voted and one judge overturned it. That does seem like an abuse of power. I don't pretend to know almost anything about politics, but I know this has frustrated many on the conservative side of the case. 

2.     Redefining values is difficult and scary

       I don’t think I have to say more about this point. We’ve all had to do it in one way or another, and we all know how it feels.

3.     At what point do you go against what you believe? Truly believe?

       We all have convictions. And they have all changed from time to time. But it’s usually personal experience that changes convictions. Well, we can’t all experience loving someone of the same or opposite sex. So how do we gain a new perspective? It’s not just a matter of IF, but HOW? How do we explore new options while holding true to the teachings we believe as truth? This is something I can’t answer, but I challenge my friends to explore. I do believe it is possible, on both sides. But I don’t blame people for not trying. Because staying far away from the cliff is safety. And there is comfort it safety. There is life in safety. And it isn’t everyone’s battle to go to the edge. Please continue to love your religious and conservative friends. They are trying just as crazy hard as you are to survive and be happy.

4.     If I accept the other side, what community will I belong to?

       When I marched in the Pride parade this year, my father said he was worried that my friends might think I was gay, and it would be harder for me to date. I say this with all respect to my father and more so to make a point. Anyone who knows me knows that I am very much not gay. But it is confusing to the people I love. Why am I you supporting this? It doesn’t make sense. Am I still active in the church? I’ve learned that there are many people who fall into the same category that I do. But I didn’t learn all of this until I stepped outside my comfort zone. And that was no easy feat. And I still struggle with having a “place”. But I’m learning to put my voice out there, and I believe there is a place for everyone.

I don’t care if you are for same sex marriage or you’re against it. Well, actually I do, but it’s less about which side you are on and more about knowing why you chose your side. Here is my charge. Take one day, and pretend you are on the other side. Or if one day is too much, try one hour. And see what it feels like. REALLY feels like. And don’t say “I was on the other side before and I realized I was wrong, so I already know what it’s like on the other side.” Chances are, you never really understood the side you were originally on in the first place. Walk a day in someone else’s shoes. Talk to your gay friends. Talk to your religious friends. Talk to your liberal friends. Talk to your conservative friends. And if you don’t have those kinds of friends, make some more friends. I guarantee you’ll disagree with your friends, but if you listen, you might learn something you never thought before. I bet you that you’ll find deep connections that you never knew were possible. That’s what happened to me.

Most importantly, DON’T BE AFRAID, because fear is what is driving this battle. I am 100% convinced of that. The opposite of fear is not faith. It’s love.

And in my opinion, God is allowing us to work it out because He wants us to be the friends that go through struggles and come out better friends. Not the siblings where He chooses which one is “right” leaving the other to feel shamed and wounded. No, God loves us and trusts us and wants us to love and trust each other. And if you don’t believe in God, then believe in humanity.  And believe that most (if not all) of us are trying our very, VERY best.

There is an elegant solution. I am also 100% convinced of that. But I believe that solution will come from US, and our ability to see each other for who we really are. People. I support the law because I believe in the happiness, values, and well being of my friends, but I don’t think the law will solve the problem. We have to look each other, listen to each other, and LOVE each other. And when we can do that, the solution will present itself. And I hope, whatever it is, is something meaningful to you.

Here is are two great videos I encourage you to watch. They are also Mormon's who are LGBT allies.

The ally within: John Dehlin
Supporting Gay Marriage in Utah

And here is the Church's official response to the current practice

Church Instructs Leaders on Same-Sex Marriage

** UPDATE: This point has come off to some as judgmental about the LGBT community. I am glad this was brought to my attention because I see how the statement may have that connotation. My intention was to point out the fact that many of my LGBT friends have wrestled with the idea that they are "bad" or "sinful" because of their sexual orientation. There are various ways to cope with that judgement about themselves, and many have found things that do and do not work for them. My main point is to say that if we can help the community as a whole feel that they ARE valued members of society and do deserve the same rights as everyone else, then they can feel more comfortable and confident with their decisions in life, without turning to drastic measures. Which, sadly, too often includes suicide or serious harm to themselves. 

I'm Baaaack

Where have I been for the past two months or so?

Man, I've been wondering the same thing. It seems like this time has just flown by! I guess I'm just at that stage in my life where big choices come by the dozen. And that's just fine. Sometimes you gotta just roll with the punches.

We did finally finish the dolls for Haiti - a whopping 6 were completed! Every single one was made with love. Rachel took them (and about 70 others made by wonderful women around CT) and handed them to some very VERY excited children she was working with. I saw the pictures and my heart almost exploded with happiness and sympathy. When she posts her pictures I'll make sure to post a link. Seriously, it was an eye opening experience.

April was filled with a lot of soul searching. I don't want to bore you with all the details, but let's just say that improvement and moving forward and two concepts I am super jazzed about! I was lucky enough to spend some time in New York City taking aptitude exams and learned a lot about my natural abilities (if anyone ever gets the chance to do something like this, I HIGHLY suggest it). The whole process was extremely self-reflective. I learned a lot about myself, and I also realized that my talents are highly connected to the talents of my ancestors. I specifically felt connected to my great-grandfather Avard Fairbanks - a well known American sculptor. Learning about (or more like acknowledging) my talents made me reflect on my goals and how I can improve them to do something... bigger. Which in essence led to my decision to move back west. I'm not exactly sure what will come next, but I have a lot of options on the table, and I'm excited to look into all of them.

But a midst all the decision making (and working 4 jobs - yipes!) I've still managed to have some fun. I always enjoy bopping around NYC, and I even convinced some of my friends to go up to Boston with me. Note - if you ever get a chance to ride the Swans at Boston Commons - DO IT!! Those swans changed my life :) Actually they just made me feel like a kid again, and it was worth every penny of the $2.75.

I also managed to turn 25!! I have gloriously enjoyed a quarter of a century. And my reward? Lower insurance and no more fees on renting cars. Thank's universe :)

Now can you just lead me to my froggy prince? You know I'll cherish him forever!

Best Trip Gift - EVER

I know what you're thinking. Looks like a normal sea-shell to me.

Well LOOK AGAIN.

Someone I love went the the Dominican Republic and all they brought me back was THE BEST GIFT EVER.

No stupid T-shirt that I would never wear, no silly coffee mug that I'd hardly find meaningful. But what is the significance of a sea-shell? Can I tell you? Pretty, pretty please?

I'm sure you've heard the saying, "Take nothing but pictures, leave nothing but footprints." Hmmm, well I know many people (including me) who go to the most exotic places and bring back sand, sea-shells, and whatever natural memorabilia they can - as long as it isn't taken away at customs. Maybe we all have the same sentiment, "There are SO many sea-shells, how is the sea ever going to miss just this one?" And seeing as there are more grains of sand than probably every other thing created in this world, surely the sand won't be missed. And the truth is, it probably won't. But it's the whole concept of entitlement that bothers me. The 'I-can-take-what-isn't-mine-because-no-one-will-miss-it' idea just doesn't sit well. So why on earth is this sea-shell the best travel gift I have ever received? Doesn't that go against my very core values? Not exactly. Why?

Because it comes with a promise.

You see, the shell isn't exactly mine. When it was given to me, I was told that I MUST take it back to the beach where it came from. I am only a temporary owner of this shell. Connecticut isn't it's real home. But it will stay with me here - and everywhere I go - until the day I can return it to that beach. And if for some reason I can't return it, I will entrust it with someone I know who can. 

So I'm pretty sure you've guessed it, this means I HAVE to go the Republica Dominicana!! Yeah Bay-bee!! Can't say I've been given a better trip gift than that! But that's not the only reason I love it. I love it because it was so thoughtful of the giver to give me such a gift. And to trust me to take it back. Maybe you're thinking, "come one Jenny, it's just a SEA-SHELL! Don't get your heart all twisted up in knots over THAT." But I think of it more than just a sea-shell. It has all sorts of symbolism tied up in it. Emotional, physical, spiritual. And it meant a lot to me when I got it. 

Plus, I don't think this is the type of gift that I would give to just anyone, you know? Like I would really have to know that they wanted to be where I had been. And would maybe even want to go where I want to go. There aren't many people I would trust with that kind of gift. 

So I don't know where my life will take me and how long I'll get to hold on to this beautiful little shell. I have no idea if and when I'll make it to the DR, but I'm super excited for the chance! 

Man... how do you top a gift like that? 

Forty-Eight Hours

Today I asked my friend Claire to send me some pictures of our four friends from her wedding. I am working on a garden project and want to use her colors and photos as inspiration. I'm super excited about the project! But as I started looking through the photos, another sort of inspiration started to creep up on me. I shall explain.

The weekend before I left for collage, a family friend reminiscently said to me, "You know, I met my best friends within the first forty-eight hours of being in the dorms. That will probably happen to you, too." It was a really nice of him to say, but I had never been the type to develop life-long friendships. High School wasn't necessarily my "thing" and I had considered myself more of a "floater" than a "groupie." Even now, I still try to meet as many people as I can. Limiting friendships, in my mind, is like limiting the best, creamiest, and most fattening ice cream... imported from France. Trust me, it's not a good idea. 

But despite my slippery view on friendships, he was right. And I'm so glad he was.

Somewhere between the freshman escapades, sophomore heartbreaks, missions, graduations, marriages, births, and life accomplishments, I have formed an unbreakable bond with these girls. Who, might I say, are much, much more than just girls anymore. The amount that these women have accomplished is staggering, and they continue to inspire me daily. 

Claire (the bride in the pictures above) is sweetest and happiest girl that everyone should know. She is now a fabulous photographer who has been featured on many popular blogs. Her creativity and talent put her in a class above the rest. She has this uncanny ability to make art wherever she points her lens. Not to mention her cute 'lil hubby Andy (the only man featured in the pictures) just won a "Spot On" campaign and bucket-load of and honor for a film me made (with her help of course). There's a super cool article about it here. And did I mention that she is a killer gardener and cook? My mom will forever thank her for being the one who convinced me to like vegetables. And I shamelessly admit that I've begged her to let me be her assistant. 

Katie (the happy one with the camera) is full of plentiful and equal amounts of grace and ambition. Can I tell you that she has accomplished more in 23 years than most of us can hope to achieve in our lives? She is one heck of a beautiful, empowered woman. And in addition to having one heck of a beautiful, empowered husband, she is getting her Master's degree... and decided to write and publish a book, Downburst. I have mentioned Downburst before, and you should definitely read it. It is amazing, just like Katie. She was even featured in a news article. What has always amazed me about Katie, is that when she wants something, she just goes and gets it. I'm not kidding! You should have seen the way she could get guys to follow her around like puppy dogs. And I see why, I couldn't resist myself!

Linda (the adorable mug-faced belle standing next to me in the fedora shot) is a strong-willed friend with a ginormously soft heart. She quickly created herself a beautiful little family, and I quickly created a small Facebook stalking problem. Seriously, her son Luke's eyes are spell-biding. But what I really love about Linda is her knowledge of who she is as a woman and what she wants in her life. Her ability to recognize and address truth in things that matter touches me every time. She is always spot on with her observations and can engage anyone in a meaningful conversation (don't believe me? Check out her blog). And guess what? She loves all the good things in life, like Nacho Libre and Science. She told me once that she wants to write children's books about amoebas. Nothing - I say nothing, is cuter than that. 

I didn't really intend on this being a "brag about my friends" post. And even if it was, I would need a loooot more eh-space. Mostly I wanted to share how inspired I am by these amazing women in my life. In a world that has objectified and belittled women in horrifying ways, it brings me hope to have mentors and women to look up to. And I guess my point is that we don't always have to look to those who have gone before us. Don't get me wrong, there are many women who have laid very important ground work, but it is the women who are here now that are shaping our current world. To have bonds with these intelligent and beautiful women is rare and precious to me. They have had a profound influence on my life and my choices, as have many other virtuous and lovely women. 

So if you are looking for a friend, find someone who will inspire you to be a better you. Your memories will be sweeter, your bonds will be stronger, and your life will be richer. Find those who will increase your self confidence, who value education, and who can make you laugh hard - the kind that makes your belly hurt. Be your most vulnerable in those friendships. They have the biggest pay off. 

So thank you to all of the amazing women in my life. You've lead me into womanhood with love and grace. I will never again underestimate the power of forty-eight hours. 

And if and when I ever finish that photo-inspired garden, I'll let you know. Hopefully it will get me up on that list of accomplishments! 

Hooray for Hooray

Hooray for Hooray

A shout out to Miss Ashlee Edens, who always makes me smile. So Hip, So Happy, So Hopeful, So Hooray!

Dolls for Haiti

Remember my friend Rachel? Well she and her big heart have moved to Haiti for 6 months to help a country still in despair. Most of her time is spent in orphanages. Did you know that many Haitian parents willingly put their children in orphanages because they can't provide for them? With limited resources, everyone is scraping to get by. And unfortunately these children have little to nothing. So our Relief Society decided to try and help. Rachel had the idea that if the children had dolls to comfort them, then they might not feel so alone. And that is where we come in. 

We are making dolls!

Don't you love bonding over needles and cute fabric? 

We purchased the patterns from this fantastic website. A lamb, a dinosaur, and an adorable squid. Tell me that isn't the best modern family you could ever imagine.

Unfortunately, we are few... and our completed dolls were fewer. 

MVP of the night goes to Sarah. Not only did she finish a squid, but she also wore the cutest and most situation appropriate t-shirt. Gotta get me one of those!

We only had three sewing machines, so those who couldn't sew contributed in others ways. 

And here is the end result!

One lamb, one squid, and one almost dinosaur. I guess we have some more work to do... But worry you not, those children will get those dolls! We have currently enlisted the help of the older, more experienced, and more plentiful stake relief society. We are hoping to have 100 dolls by April. I can't wait to see what the end result will be.

Make sure to check out Rachel's blog. It's full of beautiful insights to the world of Haiti. 

I Mush and Melt

Alright, I admit it, I love puppies. Show me a chubby puppy in any form and I melt. I draw the line at puppy calenders... but just barely. This season the winner for cutest puppy EVER is the Siberian Husky Pup. 

Lyman Orchards, an apple orchard in Middlefield, CT hosted a winter fest this February. I was thrilled to find out there were winter activities here since I absolutely adore going during fall harvest. And guess what?  This year they invited REAL LIVE MUSHING PUPS to put a smile on our chilly little faces. 

There wasn't much snow, but the dogs were ready, ready, ready to run.

...And so were Ashlee and Sarah. Mush girls Mush!!

This one confused me a bit. Lyman Orchard's is an apple orchard... not a dairy. So why the cow mascot? Oh well, Ashlee almost pooped her pants when she saw him. Her exact words were, "WOAH COW!!" And then I was reminded that you don't need relevance to entertain us children. I mean just look at the excitement on Ashlee's face.

Siberian Huskies were not only only attraction at this winter extravaganza. In the next tent over, there was an ice sculpting contest. 

Sad news: Tasting the ice from the other side does not prevent one from being seen. Sad news part 2: The apple still tastes like ice.

We didn't actually stay for the end results, but we did support and document the journey of Poseidon - King of the Sea. I was amazed at this guys ability to convert a block of ice into a masterpiece. He had three hours and was the only sculptor without an assistant. I'd say he did a pre-tty dang good job, wouldn't you?   

Take it away Ashlee... 

Costa Rica 7: Tamarindo - the Final Chapter

The end of my two week adventure was by far my favorite leg of the trip. Rachel and I made our way back to Tamarindo and stayed at the Blue Trailz hostel. I think the reason I loved it so much was because we finally had the chance to meet some new people and get to know their stories. Have you ever noticed how interesting people are? Well mix that with a foreign country and close living quarters. Then it get's extremely interesting! And don't worry, I don't mean that in "The Bachelor" sort of way. 

Basically traveling produces a certain kind of person, someone who wants to see the world and all it has to offer. And in turn, every person offers what they have to the world. If I could take a basket and collect everything I learned about the people I encountered, I would take away much much more than a tacky souvenir (although I took away plenty of those too!). I can't really tell you what I learned, because I don't think there was a "take home" lesson. But I do know that by the end I felt rejuvenated and completely fulfilled. Originally I thought that the only way to have that feeling would be through a major service project or something akin to that, but isn't service all about forming relationships? Well, not only did I form new relationships, but in certain ways I strengthened the ones I already had. So in the end, I received all I came for and more.

Plus, we couldn't leave Costa Rica without one more trip to the beach! Who would I be if I came back from Central America without a tan? Here are some beachy pictures we took first thing in Tamarindo.

Can't get enough JUMPING PICTURES

I love the colors here! These are some of the areas where we went shopping. Tamarindo was full local-made nick-knacks and artwork.

PURA VIDA. What a wonderful phrase! It means "Pure Life," and is basically the Tico way way to say "Hello," or "It's all good," or "Fancy a drink"? It all depends on the intonation. I figure every country has a phrase like this, so I'm going to start a collection of them starting with "hakuna matata." (I think we can consider Disney a country, right?)

And check out this ocean water artwork. A true beauty in itself.

Here are some more fun things we found in Tamarindo.

Bunk Bed quotes. Everyone wants to make their mark.

TINY BANANAS! Don't let these little guys fool you. They pack a real punch.

This was in our van on the way to a surf trip. On, off, or Mood lighting. I must say, this is something I could use in my car.

Rachel and I also tried to make our meals as much as possible. It was cheaper than eating out, and easier on our bellies. One can only handle so much beans and rice. So what did we make? French toast and fried plantains. Who needs healthy on vay-cay!?

Check it - I learned how to SURF!!

We had our own little surf instructor from Blue Trailz. The world renowned Giovanny. His fame is known by women of every land. Rachel and I dubbed him the Tico Zac Efron.

For the most part, I became a super expert at paddling on a surfboard. But eventually I defeated my demon and stood up.

Rachel also reached vertical victory. Unfortunately, the only action shot we got was this ultimate wipe out. But I think we all agree, it wins MVP for best picture of the trip. Ultimate Bail!

After surfing, we enjoyed our last Costa Rica sunset. 

Group shot of part of the Blue Trailz dream team. I wish I had captured everyone we were there with! Love 'em. Miss 'em. And I would repeat it all in a heartbeat. 

I'm really grateful that I had the chance to take this trip. I'm glad I got to go with Rachel, too. I can't think of a more perfect way to transition from one phase of my life into the next. And now that I've caught the travel bug, I don't know that I'll be able to sit still for too long. But everything comes in good time, so for now I'll just enjoy the fact that this trip was everything I needed and more. Thanks for enjoying it with me.

PURA VIDA!