Overcoming Unemployment

Last week I finally said GOODBYE to the unemployment world. We had a rocky couple of years together, unemployment and I. I hope to never have to re-enter her treacherous realm. Here I document some of our comings and goings.

When I graduated from College I figured the world was mine for the taking. I had performed extremely well in my field while in school and was offered a job (multiple actually) right away after graduation. In fact, getting a job had always been an easy task for me. I'm not sure why that was, but I never complained about it!

In May of 2011 I changed all of the plans I had in the world and moved to Connecticut. I decided not to take the trip to Nepal, I moved my entire life out east, I even started a blog! The job seemed promising, and for the first little while I enjoyed it. Until I didn't. I wasn't satisfied with what I was doing or where I was going. Through a series of traumatic events, I had a career-crisis and paradigm shift. After my experience, I figured I would never go back to the world of landscaping, plants and design. 

Tree Prunin' Machine!

I wandered through many fields from 2012 on. I was a personal assistant to a horticulturalist and then to two men at a construction company. Then I decided that maybe being a health coach was my calling in life. When I realized that my own health was more than enough to focus on, I moved back to Utah and after 7 years of independence, I boarded up with my childhood roomies. Hey Mom and Dad! Back in the good 'ol SLC, I tried my hand at becoming an interior design assistant. But yet again it didn't work out. So I babysat, I crafted, I lingered. I applied for about a million jobs, I looked into a million programs, I went to therapy, I even started working with a career coach. I read multiple self help books and did just about everything I could. And then FINALLY... I became a server at a restaurant. 

For me becoming a server felt like an all-time low. Here I was, with a college degree, an award-winning landscape designer status, and plenty of experience to back me up. Yet no one wanted me. Or maybe I didn't know what I wanted? Either way I felt worthless. Yes, I was grateful to have a job, but I felt so debilitated. Other people were working towards their dreams or already had them. I wasn't even sure if I had dreams. The feelings of worthless-ness were powerful to say the least.

Oddly enough, I really started to treasure my job at a country music playing, giant portion serving, over-the-top boot displaying steak house. I met some of my most treasured friends among the servers and employees, I enjoyed giving people a great dining experience, and I enjoyed the fast-past and run-around environment. Some amazing things came to me that I would have never experienced had I not been working there at that restaurant. It truly enriched my life on every level. 

Some of my crew on a "sparkler" break

When I decided to leave the restaurant, I knew I had to find something that suited me, my background, and my love for people. I had thought about going back into the landscaping world, but I still couldn't stomach the idea of an industry I had been completely disillusioned to. I still loved plants, but I couldn't see a way of working with them outside this industry. So I decided to try for another personal assistant job. I applied for a position and was 99% sure I was going to get it. I put in my two weeks at the restaurant and hoped for the best. 

However, what I thought was "the best" did not happen. Not even close. And I didn't get the job.

Panic set in as I realized I had no way to provide for myself. I had been searching for the right job and career since January of 2012. And 2 years later I felt worse off than I did before I declared a major in college. At least back then I had hope for the future. Now I had little desire to keep searching. I didn't know what else to do. I started to get a little desperate. Nursing school? MBA? I didn't want to get into debt, but what were my options. And what if I hated the new field too? What was I to do????

Then one day my sister-in-law sent me a link to work at a botanical garden here in Salt Lake City. I had never considered working in a botanical garden. At first I felt averse to even considering another horticulture related career. But then it occurred to me that this could work. I could both work with plants, and people, and NOT be in the residential or commercial landscape management industry. A tiny little light bulb lit up in my head, and somehow I gathered the gusto to apply for the job. 

But I didn't get it.

They told me that there was an assistant position opening up for the job I had just applied to, so I applied to that one.

But I didn't get it.

Loosing steam at an alarming rate, I turned to my last resort. Through the whole process I had been talking to a friend of mine who works there. He finally said to me, "Jenny, we have some seasonal positions opening in my department, why don't you apply?"So, as a last ditch effort, I applied.

And I got it.

I would have never imagined it, but so far this job has been perfect for me. I get to work with plants, I get to be creative in coming up with new ideas, and best of all, I get to teach children about all of the great aspects about nature. Every element of this job works with who I am and what I love. I had elements in my life that I already knew I loved, but I didn't know they could all come together. This was my dream and I didn't know it until it presented itself to me. 

I don't know what the next step will be. I don't have a 5 year plan. Or even a 2 year plan. I am hoping that I will be able to use this position as a stepping stone. Maybe I will be able to move up gain full employment at the gardens. If not, I found a great master's program in Portland that focuses on garden education. In any case, I am finally pointed in the right direction.

Most of the stories I heard during the whole ordeal were about people who knew what their dreams were, and somehow achieved them through lots of failure and hard work. Or people who had huge paradigm shifts whilst already pursuing another career path. The moral was always the same: "Follow Your Dream" and keep working at it until you get it. I felt hopeless because I didn't have a dream. I didn't know what I wanted. Everything was a means to an end. 

It felt cruel to me that I had to go through this process for two years with unprecedented amounts of pain and confusion. And honestly, I'm so fresh out of it that I don't know all of the reasons why I did go through what I went through. Some seem applicable, but many of the reasons are still very unclear to me. There are others who have gone through much more or much less. I don't yet have the whole "moral" to my story, but what I do have is hope. And it's more hope than I have felt in a long time.  

To that, I say CHEERS!

Building Bridges

I support Same Sex Marriage. I’m a Mormon.

I know this topic stirs up quite a bit of emotion (on both sides) when I make this sort of statement. And believe me, I am not one who likes to stir the pot. I run far away from political commentary as often as possible and would rather pull off my own toenails than talk about current policies. However, I’ve been lying awake tonight and know I must write down my thoughts. But before I get into it, I will make this disclaimer: Please do not be afraid to disagree with me. What is meaningful to me may not be meaningful to you. This is just my attempt to bring one more view to the table and help bridge a gap that I see getting dangerously wide.

I am what some would call “very” Mormon. I go to church every week, I served a mission, I follow the word of wisdom and other commandments that are unique to our religion. I am in no way perfect, and would never claim to be. But I believe deeply in this gospel and it is a beautiful part of my life. I plan on continuing down that path forever, and (in my beliefs) for eternity. If you want to know more about that belief, I will be more than happy to talk to you about it.

Here’s the thing. Politically I support same sex marriage. So how do I reconcile the fact that I regularly attend and affix my beliefs to a church that doesn’t support it? Well, the short answer is: I don’t. I can’t reconcile what my church teaches and what I believe. But as I have prayed and considered and pondered over for the past 5 ½ years (and most diligently the past year), I have come to some conclusions of my own.

1.     People who are Gay and Lesbian are my friends

       What if (as a heterosexual) you were told, “Hey, guess what? Liking people of the opposite sex is wrong. Marry someone of your own sex.” It would be hard for me. Very hard. I would be scared and confused and sad. I do not believe homosexuality is choice, and that is in addition to all the research I’ve read. And even if it was, my friends who are gay say it is not, and I believe them. And again, why would anyone choose to go through such a hard experience? In this life we are given the challenge of being happy. And sometimes what makes us happy isn’t what makes everyone else happy… or even comfortable. My friends have gone trough a very difficult struggle of deciding the path they must follow in life. Some more difficult than others. And I applaud anyone who has gone through such a struggle and come out with a better understanding of who they are and what their purpose is on this earth. That is no easy task, and I think we can all agree on that.

2.     I support values that are good for our Society

       I have loads to say about this point, but I’ll try to condense my thoughts. In my opinion the homosexual community has, in some ways, thrown the baby out with the bathwater. Because they feel they have been labeled as “bad” or “sinful,” they have created a community that accepts all types of behaviors. Drinking, drugs, and promiscuity are high among the community. It isn’t what all homosexuals practice, but it is easy to feel comfortable among people who accept all behaviors.** In promoting marriage we can tell the gay and lesbian community, “Hey, you are a valuable member of our society. You have a lot to contribute, you deserve a marriage just like anyone else.” In addition, making strong commitments (like marriage) encourages individuals to take life seriously, and to be examples for their friends, for their children, for their family members, etc etc etc. Again, if you would like to discuss this more, please feel free to ask me.

3.     I believe in a powerful God

       Who am I to say what God will or will not do? God is powerful and full of elegant solutions. We all have such a limited perspective, don’t you think? It’s as if we are all walking around with half of a brain and the challenge of this life is to understand that there is, indeed, another half that we don’t understand. So I believe God loves EVERYONE and knows both halves of the brain. And if he understands all and accepts all, then he can make sense of what is happening. Both in this life and in the next. This is MY belief: that God will make it all work for our good if we really do what we FEEL is right. If it (whatever I believe) turns out to be right, He will love me. If it turns out to be different than right, He will still love me. And he is powerful enough to get me to where I want to be. He can do that for everyone, no matter what they believe. And like I said, this is what helps me. This is my belief. Not yours. But this is how I’m facing the ideals that I want to have.

Now - Having said all of that, there is a battle going on (I purposely omitted the word war). And I don’t think that either side is fully innocent. I have seen many on the side that wants to ban same sex marriage accuse the other side of worldliness, promiscuity, lack of values… blah blah blah you name it. BUT – I have ALSO seen many on the side supporting same sex marriage accusing the other side of close-mindedness, hatred, lack of education/understanding, and (most hurtful for me), brainwashing from religion. Honestly, that hurts. Listen to me: Religion doesn’t make decisions, PEOPLE DO! And every single person on this planet has been hurt, has been confused, and is looking for answers. Does that give either side an excuse? No, not necessarily. But do you know what it CAN give? UNDERSTANDING.

Here are some points that may increase understanding on the other side of the issue.

1. In Utah's case, one judge can make all the difference

       What about a democracy? The people voted and one judge overturned it. That does seem like an abuse of power. I don't pretend to know almost anything about politics, but I know this has frustrated many on the conservative side of the case. 

2.     Redefining values is difficult and scary

       I don’t think I have to say more about this point. We’ve all had to do it in one way or another, and we all know how it feels.

3.     At what point do you go against what you believe? Truly believe?

       We all have convictions. And they have all changed from time to time. But it’s usually personal experience that changes convictions. Well, we can’t all experience loving someone of the same or opposite sex. So how do we gain a new perspective? It’s not just a matter of IF, but HOW? How do we explore new options while holding true to the teachings we believe as truth? This is something I can’t answer, but I challenge my friends to explore. I do believe it is possible, on both sides. But I don’t blame people for not trying. Because staying far away from the cliff is safety. And there is comfort it safety. There is life in safety. And it isn’t everyone’s battle to go to the edge. Please continue to love your religious and conservative friends. They are trying just as crazy hard as you are to survive and be happy.

4.     If I accept the other side, what community will I belong to?

       When I marched in the Pride parade this year, my father said he was worried that my friends might think I was gay, and it would be harder for me to date. I say this with all respect to my father and more so to make a point. Anyone who knows me knows that I am very much not gay. But it is confusing to the people I love. Why am I you supporting this? It doesn’t make sense. Am I still active in the church? I’ve learned that there are many people who fall into the same category that I do. But I didn’t learn all of this until I stepped outside my comfort zone. And that was no easy feat. And I still struggle with having a “place”. But I’m learning to put my voice out there, and I believe there is a place for everyone.

I don’t care if you are for same sex marriage or you’re against it. Well, actually I do, but it’s less about which side you are on and more about knowing why you chose your side. Here is my charge. Take one day, and pretend you are on the other side. Or if one day is too much, try one hour. And see what it feels like. REALLY feels like. And don’t say “I was on the other side before and I realized I was wrong, so I already know what it’s like on the other side.” Chances are, you never really understood the side you were originally on in the first place. Walk a day in someone else’s shoes. Talk to your gay friends. Talk to your religious friends. Talk to your liberal friends. Talk to your conservative friends. And if you don’t have those kinds of friends, make some more friends. I guarantee you’ll disagree with your friends, but if you listen, you might learn something you never thought before. I bet you that you’ll find deep connections that you never knew were possible. That’s what happened to me.

Most importantly, DON’T BE AFRAID, because fear is what is driving this battle. I am 100% convinced of that. The opposite of fear is not faith. It’s love.

And in my opinion, God is allowing us to work it out because He wants us to be the friends that go through struggles and come out better friends. Not the siblings where He chooses which one is “right” leaving the other to feel shamed and wounded. No, God loves us and trusts us and wants us to love and trust each other. And if you don’t believe in God, then believe in humanity.  And believe that most (if not all) of us are trying our very, VERY best.

There is an elegant solution. I am also 100% convinced of that. But I believe that solution will come from US, and our ability to see each other for who we really are. People. I support the law because I believe in the happiness, values, and well being of my friends, but I don’t think the law will solve the problem. We have to look each other, listen to each other, and LOVE each other. And when we can do that, the solution will present itself. And I hope, whatever it is, is something meaningful to you.

Here is are two great videos I encourage you to watch. They are also Mormon's who are LGBT allies.

The ally within: John Dehlin
Supporting Gay Marriage in Utah

And here is the Church's official response to the current practice

Church Instructs Leaders on Same-Sex Marriage

** UPDATE: This point has come off to some as judgmental about the LGBT community. I am glad this was brought to my attention because I see how the statement may have that connotation. My intention was to point out the fact that many of my LGBT friends have wrestled with the idea that they are "bad" or "sinful" because of their sexual orientation. There are various ways to cope with that judgement about themselves, and many have found things that do and do not work for them. My main point is to say that if we can help the community as a whole feel that they ARE valued members of society and do deserve the same rights as everyone else, then they can feel more comfortable and confident with their decisions in life, without turning to drastic measures. Which, sadly, too often includes suicide or serious harm to themselves. 

Get It, Girl!

Sometimes instagram hits the nail right on the head.

Sometimes you just need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and get up and go.

You don't have a job that fits your degree? So what? Hugh Jackman worked as a party clown before he ever made it big. (Can we say sexy clown? Yeeeah)

You're not married to the man/woman of your dreams? Do you remember that Justin Timberlake dated Britney Spears? Be glad you've probably dodged some bullets. 

You happen to have roommates who are 40 years older than you? And may have also given birth to you? Aaaand sometimes still buy you dinner? Well, I mean if you'd like to trade for halitosis-fire-breathing-drama-causing-twenty-something-year-olds-with-sticks-where-the-sun-don't-shine... be my guest! There's always a lucky chance you could even share a bed.

I guess what I'm trying to say is there are a lot of reasons we can feel sorry for ourselves. And that pity usually stems from fear. Fear of failure and fear of the unknown. But more likely the fear of success. The idea that what we want to do will actually WORK. And what does that mean if we have to power to change our plight in life. Does it seem overwhelming? 

I've never allowed myself to dream big, because I was afraid of disappointment. But I realize that I was actually more afraid of success and what success would mean in my life. So this is really a pep talk to me. Dream big, girl. Dream. Big.

Oh, and let go of that ridiculous pride. Nothing in my life at the moment is conventional. I'm waiting tables for extra cash, I'm giving online dating a shot, I'm a woman trying to start a new business, and I live at home with my parents. But I'd rather be unconventional than sitting at home scared (poop)less. And now that I'm starting this journey, I want to document it. I AIN'T SCURRED! Thank you, blogger, for being my outlet.

I don't know what it is I have always wanted to go do, and what is happening in my life is certainly not what I've always wanted to do. But the fact is, I'm DOING. And doing leads to more doing. And that doing is leading me up an unconquerable mountain. 

And so far the view is great. 

I'm Baaaack

Where have I been for the past two months or so?

Man, I've been wondering the same thing. It seems like this time has just flown by! I guess I'm just at that stage in my life where big choices come by the dozen. And that's just fine. Sometimes you gotta just roll with the punches.

We did finally finish the dolls for Haiti - a whopping 6 were completed! Every single one was made with love. Rachel took them (and about 70 others made by wonderful women around CT) and handed them to some very VERY excited children she was working with. I saw the pictures and my heart almost exploded with happiness and sympathy. When she posts her pictures I'll make sure to post a link. Seriously, it was an eye opening experience.

April was filled with a lot of soul searching. I don't want to bore you with all the details, but let's just say that improvement and moving forward and two concepts I am super jazzed about! I was lucky enough to spend some time in New York City taking aptitude exams and learned a lot about my natural abilities (if anyone ever gets the chance to do something like this, I HIGHLY suggest it). The whole process was extremely self-reflective. I learned a lot about myself, and I also realized that my talents are highly connected to the talents of my ancestors. I specifically felt connected to my great-grandfather Avard Fairbanks - a well known American sculptor. Learning about (or more like acknowledging) my talents made me reflect on my goals and how I can improve them to do something... bigger. Which in essence led to my decision to move back west. I'm not exactly sure what will come next, but I have a lot of options on the table, and I'm excited to look into all of them.

But a midst all the decision making (and working 4 jobs - yipes!) I've still managed to have some fun. I always enjoy bopping around NYC, and I even convinced some of my friends to go up to Boston with me. Note - if you ever get a chance to ride the Swans at Boston Commons - DO IT!! Those swans changed my life :) Actually they just made me feel like a kid again, and it was worth every penny of the $2.75.

I also managed to turn 25!! I have gloriously enjoyed a quarter of a century. And my reward? Lower insurance and no more fees on renting cars. Thank's universe :)

Now can you just lead me to my froggy prince? You know I'll cherish him forever!

Choose a Delicious Life

I know I have been away for a while, but I have been working on doing this ^.

No... not just editing the picture (although it's pretty sweet, right??), but actually doing what it says! 

Soon I will post all of what has been going on. But man, isn't life an exciting journey?

I just wanted to remind everyone how lucky we are to be able to choose happiness. I know I'm grateful for the choices I've made in my life, both the good and the bad. Because they have all lead to a wonderful recipe for the most DELICIOUS life I could imagine. 

Love to all.

Forty-Eight Hours

Today I asked my friend Claire to send me some pictures of our four friends from her wedding. I am working on a garden project and want to use her colors and photos as inspiration. I'm super excited about the project! But as I started looking through the photos, another sort of inspiration started to creep up on me. I shall explain.

The weekend before I left for collage, a family friend reminiscently said to me, "You know, I met my best friends within the first forty-eight hours of being in the dorms. That will probably happen to you, too." It was a really nice of him to say, but I had never been the type to develop life-long friendships. High School wasn't necessarily my "thing" and I had considered myself more of a "floater" than a "groupie." Even now, I still try to meet as many people as I can. Limiting friendships, in my mind, is like limiting the best, creamiest, and most fattening ice cream... imported from France. Trust me, it's not a good idea. 

But despite my slippery view on friendships, he was right. And I'm so glad he was.

Somewhere between the freshman escapades, sophomore heartbreaks, missions, graduations, marriages, births, and life accomplishments, I have formed an unbreakable bond with these girls. Who, might I say, are much, much more than just girls anymore. The amount that these women have accomplished is staggering, and they continue to inspire me daily. 

Claire (the bride in the pictures above) is sweetest and happiest girl that everyone should know. She is now a fabulous photographer who has been featured on many popular blogs. Her creativity and talent put her in a class above the rest. She has this uncanny ability to make art wherever she points her lens. Not to mention her cute 'lil hubby Andy (the only man featured in the pictures) just won a "Spot On" campaign and bucket-load of and honor for a film me made (with her help of course). There's a super cool article about it here. And did I mention that she is a killer gardener and cook? My mom will forever thank her for being the one who convinced me to like vegetables. And I shamelessly admit that I've begged her to let me be her assistant. 

Katie (the happy one with the camera) is full of plentiful and equal amounts of grace and ambition. Can I tell you that she has accomplished more in 23 years than most of us can hope to achieve in our lives? She is one heck of a beautiful, empowered woman. And in addition to having one heck of a beautiful, empowered husband, she is getting her Master's degree... and decided to write and publish a book, Downburst. I have mentioned Downburst before, and you should definitely read it. It is amazing, just like Katie. She was even featured in a news article. What has always amazed me about Katie, is that when she wants something, she just goes and gets it. I'm not kidding! You should have seen the way she could get guys to follow her around like puppy dogs. And I see why, I couldn't resist myself!

Linda (the adorable mug-faced belle standing next to me in the fedora shot) is a strong-willed friend with a ginormously soft heart. She quickly created herself a beautiful little family, and I quickly created a small Facebook stalking problem. Seriously, her son Luke's eyes are spell-biding. But what I really love about Linda is her knowledge of who she is as a woman and what she wants in her life. Her ability to recognize and address truth in things that matter touches me every time. She is always spot on with her observations and can engage anyone in a meaningful conversation (don't believe me? Check out her blog). And guess what? She loves all the good things in life, like Nacho Libre and Science. She told me once that she wants to write children's books about amoebas. Nothing - I say nothing, is cuter than that. 

I didn't really intend on this being a "brag about my friends" post. And even if it was, I would need a loooot more eh-space. Mostly I wanted to share how inspired I am by these amazing women in my life. In a world that has objectified and belittled women in horrifying ways, it brings me hope to have mentors and women to look up to. And I guess my point is that we don't always have to look to those who have gone before us. Don't get me wrong, there are many women who have laid very important ground work, but it is the women who are here now that are shaping our current world. To have bonds with these intelligent and beautiful women is rare and precious to me. They have had a profound influence on my life and my choices, as have many other virtuous and lovely women. 

So if you are looking for a friend, find someone who will inspire you to be a better you. Your memories will be sweeter, your bonds will be stronger, and your life will be richer. Find those who will increase your self confidence, who value education, and who can make you laugh hard - the kind that makes your belly hurt. Be your most vulnerable in those friendships. They have the biggest pay off. 

So thank you to all of the amazing women in my life. You've lead me into womanhood with love and grace. I will never again underestimate the power of forty-eight hours. 

And if and when I ever finish that photo-inspired garden, I'll let you know. Hopefully it will get me up on that list of accomplishments!