Building Bridges

I support Same Sex Marriage. I’m a Mormon.

I know this topic stirs up quite a bit of emotion (on both sides) when I make this sort of statement. And believe me, I am not one who likes to stir the pot. I run far away from political commentary as often as possible and would rather pull off my own toenails than talk about current policies. However, I’ve been lying awake tonight and know I must write down my thoughts. But before I get into it, I will make this disclaimer: Please do not be afraid to disagree with me. What is meaningful to me may not be meaningful to you. This is just my attempt to bring one more view to the table and help bridge a gap that I see getting dangerously wide.

I am what some would call “very” Mormon. I go to church every week, I served a mission, I follow the word of wisdom and other commandments that are unique to our religion. I am in no way perfect, and would never claim to be. But I believe deeply in this gospel and it is a beautiful part of my life. I plan on continuing down that path forever, and (in my beliefs) for eternity. If you want to know more about that belief, I will be more than happy to talk to you about it.

Here’s the thing. Politically I support same sex marriage. So how do I reconcile the fact that I regularly attend and affix my beliefs to a church that doesn’t support it? Well, the short answer is: I don’t. I can’t reconcile what my church teaches and what I believe. But as I have prayed and considered and pondered over for the past 5 ½ years (and most diligently the past year), I have come to some conclusions of my own.

1.     People who are Gay and Lesbian are my friends

       What if (as a heterosexual) you were told, “Hey, guess what? Liking people of the opposite sex is wrong. Marry someone of your own sex.” It would be hard for me. Very hard. I would be scared and confused and sad. I do not believe homosexuality is choice, and that is in addition to all the research I’ve read. And even if it was, my friends who are gay say it is not, and I believe them. And again, why would anyone choose to go through such a hard experience? In this life we are given the challenge of being happy. And sometimes what makes us happy isn’t what makes everyone else happy… or even comfortable. My friends have gone trough a very difficult struggle of deciding the path they must follow in life. Some more difficult than others. And I applaud anyone who has gone through such a struggle and come out with a better understanding of who they are and what their purpose is on this earth. That is no easy task, and I think we can all agree on that.

2.     I support values that are good for our Society

       I have loads to say about this point, but I’ll try to condense my thoughts. In my opinion the homosexual community has, in some ways, thrown the baby out with the bathwater. Because they feel they have been labeled as “bad” or “sinful,” they have created a community that accepts all types of behaviors. Drinking, drugs, and promiscuity are high among the community. It isn’t what all homosexuals practice, but it is easy to feel comfortable among people who accept all behaviors.** In promoting marriage we can tell the gay and lesbian community, “Hey, you are a valuable member of our society. You have a lot to contribute, you deserve a marriage just like anyone else.” In addition, making strong commitments (like marriage) encourages individuals to take life seriously, and to be examples for their friends, for their children, for their family members, etc etc etc. Again, if you would like to discuss this more, please feel free to ask me.

3.     I believe in a powerful God

       Who am I to say what God will or will not do? God is powerful and full of elegant solutions. We all have such a limited perspective, don’t you think? It’s as if we are all walking around with half of a brain and the challenge of this life is to understand that there is, indeed, another half that we don’t understand. So I believe God loves EVERYONE and knows both halves of the brain. And if he understands all and accepts all, then he can make sense of what is happening. Both in this life and in the next. This is MY belief: that God will make it all work for our good if we really do what we FEEL is right. If it (whatever I believe) turns out to be right, He will love me. If it turns out to be different than right, He will still love me. And he is powerful enough to get me to where I want to be. He can do that for everyone, no matter what they believe. And like I said, this is what helps me. This is my belief. Not yours. But this is how I’m facing the ideals that I want to have.

Now - Having said all of that, there is a battle going on (I purposely omitted the word war). And I don’t think that either side is fully innocent. I have seen many on the side that wants to ban same sex marriage accuse the other side of worldliness, promiscuity, lack of values… blah blah blah you name it. BUT – I have ALSO seen many on the side supporting same sex marriage accusing the other side of close-mindedness, hatred, lack of education/understanding, and (most hurtful for me), brainwashing from religion. Honestly, that hurts. Listen to me: Religion doesn’t make decisions, PEOPLE DO! And every single person on this planet has been hurt, has been confused, and is looking for answers. Does that give either side an excuse? No, not necessarily. But do you know what it CAN give? UNDERSTANDING.

Here are some points that may increase understanding on the other side of the issue.

1. In Utah's case, one judge can make all the difference

       What about a democracy? The people voted and one judge overturned it. That does seem like an abuse of power. I don't pretend to know almost anything about politics, but I know this has frustrated many on the conservative side of the case. 

2.     Redefining values is difficult and scary

       I don’t think I have to say more about this point. We’ve all had to do it in one way or another, and we all know how it feels.

3.     At what point do you go against what you believe? Truly believe?

       We all have convictions. And they have all changed from time to time. But it’s usually personal experience that changes convictions. Well, we can’t all experience loving someone of the same or opposite sex. So how do we gain a new perspective? It’s not just a matter of IF, but HOW? How do we explore new options while holding true to the teachings we believe as truth? This is something I can’t answer, but I challenge my friends to explore. I do believe it is possible, on both sides. But I don’t blame people for not trying. Because staying far away from the cliff is safety. And there is comfort it safety. There is life in safety. And it isn’t everyone’s battle to go to the edge. Please continue to love your religious and conservative friends. They are trying just as crazy hard as you are to survive and be happy.

4.     If I accept the other side, what community will I belong to?

       When I marched in the Pride parade this year, my father said he was worried that my friends might think I was gay, and it would be harder for me to date. I say this with all respect to my father and more so to make a point. Anyone who knows me knows that I am very much not gay. But it is confusing to the people I love. Why am I you supporting this? It doesn’t make sense. Am I still active in the church? I’ve learned that there are many people who fall into the same category that I do. But I didn’t learn all of this until I stepped outside my comfort zone. And that was no easy feat. And I still struggle with having a “place”. But I’m learning to put my voice out there, and I believe there is a place for everyone.

I don’t care if you are for same sex marriage or you’re against it. Well, actually I do, but it’s less about which side you are on and more about knowing why you chose your side. Here is my charge. Take one day, and pretend you are on the other side. Or if one day is too much, try one hour. And see what it feels like. REALLY feels like. And don’t say “I was on the other side before and I realized I was wrong, so I already know what it’s like on the other side.” Chances are, you never really understood the side you were originally on in the first place. Walk a day in someone else’s shoes. Talk to your gay friends. Talk to your religious friends. Talk to your liberal friends. Talk to your conservative friends. And if you don’t have those kinds of friends, make some more friends. I guarantee you’ll disagree with your friends, but if you listen, you might learn something you never thought before. I bet you that you’ll find deep connections that you never knew were possible. That’s what happened to me.

Most importantly, DON’T BE AFRAID, because fear is what is driving this battle. I am 100% convinced of that. The opposite of fear is not faith. It’s love.

And in my opinion, God is allowing us to work it out because He wants us to be the friends that go through struggles and come out better friends. Not the siblings where He chooses which one is “right” leaving the other to feel shamed and wounded. No, God loves us and trusts us and wants us to love and trust each other. And if you don’t believe in God, then believe in humanity.  And believe that most (if not all) of us are trying our very, VERY best.

There is an elegant solution. I am also 100% convinced of that. But I believe that solution will come from US, and our ability to see each other for who we really are. People. I support the law because I believe in the happiness, values, and well being of my friends, but I don’t think the law will solve the problem. We have to look each other, listen to each other, and LOVE each other. And when we can do that, the solution will present itself. And I hope, whatever it is, is something meaningful to you.

Here is are two great videos I encourage you to watch. They are also Mormon's who are LGBT allies.

The ally within: John Dehlin
Supporting Gay Marriage in Utah

And here is the Church's official response to the current practice

Church Instructs Leaders on Same-Sex Marriage

** UPDATE: This point has come off to some as judgmental about the LGBT community. I am glad this was brought to my attention because I see how the statement may have that connotation. My intention was to point out the fact that many of my LGBT friends have wrestled with the idea that they are "bad" or "sinful" because of their sexual orientation. There are various ways to cope with that judgement about themselves, and many have found things that do and do not work for them. My main point is to say that if we can help the community as a whole feel that they ARE valued members of society and do deserve the same rights as everyone else, then they can feel more comfortable and confident with their decisions in life, without turning to drastic measures. Which, sadly, too often includes suicide or serious harm to themselves. 

An Afternoon with Elder Holland

Did you know Jeffrey R. Holland got his 2nd Master's Degree and PhD at Yale?

I sure didn't.

Even though I recently heard his now "famous" journey!

So it took me a while to understand why he decided to come to our ward to speak to the single and student members at Yale. Of course I never uttered a word of complaint! If one is allowed to have favorite apostles, my vote would definitely be in his direction. And I know I'm not alone in that sentiment.

But last Sunday came, and so did Elder Holland with his beautiful and loving words. I figured that there are many people who are in similar situations as me (young and in need of counsel) so the least I could do is share my notes of what he said with you. It touched all of us who were there deeply at different moments and on very personal levels. He has a great way of relating to individuals. So I hope that his words can help you too.

Clearly I will not be reproducing his talk word for word. I will try to get as close to his wording as possible, but remember that these may not be direct quotes. Anything that is a direct quote (or as close as I could get it) is in quotation marks. I tried to take detailed notes, but what I wrote down may be emphasized by my own personal interpretation. In any case, I hope the spirit will touch you too. 

Notes from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's talk in the New Haven YSA Branch - Sunday March 18th, 2012

Sis. Patricia Holland: Elder Holland introduced his wife Patricia and gave her a few minutes to express her gratitude. She wanted to express her gratitude to her Father in Heaven for the years they spent at Yale in New Haven. She feels they received a spiritual birth while they were here. She didn't know back then what she was obtained, but she is grateful for it. She feels that she was forced to have a broken heart and a contrite spirit which gave her a sure testimony that Christ lives.

Elder Holland (EH): These moments in your life are "watershed" moments: you're never quite the same again. While EH and his wife were here at Yale, they only had one car. There were mornings there 5 year old would pray that the car would start. Their children still remember saying those prayers to this day. Those are irreplaceable memories. One thing is clear to them: they did not come to Yale for an education. That's not why he came and that's no why we (the current members) are here. They came and we came here for our faith. We came to find faith, to reinforce faith, to exercise faith, and to get an education in church government. Church service demands had them going flat. Going to Yale had nothing to do with a terrific degree (although that certainly helped with many future opportunities). It had everything to do with a congregation. Miracles happen here. EH and his wife are here to cheer us on. He wants us to know "It's all true. God Lives. If you do this right you will be prepared for marriage... If you do this right, you will get the whole package."

EH refers to 3 Nephi 17. In this chapter, it is the close of the first day that the Savior has been with the Nephites. He is telling them to go into their homes and ponder. He wants them to understand and prepare. The Savior has a couple of things to do while they are pondering. 1st He has to go to His Father. 2nd He has to go to other tribes or the lost 10 tribes of Isreal. "That's quite a bit to do in one night!" But as the Savior casts his eyes on the multitude, He sees that they are in tears and decides to tarry a little longer. The crowd was too courteous to say anything, but He perceived their desires anyway. Even with all of the demands on Deity and seeing the challenges of being God, we see that what really comes through is compassion.  "Mercy always trumps justice - if we want it to." He knew the Father would understand and the 10 tribes could wait, so the Savior stayed for a couple hours more. It was the lame that captured His attention and claimed His time. "I want you to believe that God knows your circumstance." He knows our heartaches and our struggles. "All God is asking is WANT IT." Want the things that matter. If you struggle, join the club! It happens now, in time, and out of His mercy and love. We benefit from mercy and love. But "you have to want it a lot and want it with tears... If you want it badly enough, long enough, and faithfully enough, you can have it" The irony is that in the bad times, people are tempted to jump ship - especially when they need God's help the most. When the storm is at high sea "Stay in the boat!" Do not bail out even though that is the temptation. Do not do that. Want it as much as the Nephites wanted it. God will heal you. He can do this. We have no control of when. He keeps His hand on the stop watch. It seems He has reserved that one thing to Himself. It can be Job-like if we have to, but the crisis of the moment will pass. 

EH now refers to his favorite scripture. "Today it is my favorite scripture. Do not press me tomorrow... but it is today." Mark 4:37-41.(Parts of scripture in brackets with EH's thoughts). [And there arose a great storm of wind, and the waves beat into the ship, so that it was now full. And he was in the hinder part of the ship, asleep on a pillow:] Part of the reason the Savior came to the earth was to show the world what it's like to be God. He was tired. EH was glad that Mark noted, as only Mark would, that someone provided a pillow. [...and they awake him, and say unto him, Master, carest thou not that we perish?] Even with all of their extensive knowledge and years of training as ship-men, they were scared. This must have been quite the storm. There are times when we will be scared and we need His help, even though we may be "experts." [And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, Peace, be still.] You see? "Everyone gets healed." The Savior rebuked the seas, but He was not through rebuking. These men had to grow up very fast, and He understood that. [...Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?] Did you really think this ship was going down with Me on it? Those are EH words, but he is sure that is what the Savior was thinking. Why are we so fearful? One thing is for sure, more faith doesn't always mean more knowledge. A lot of things will com, but "our first call is to walk by faith. Just be believing. Don't be afraid. Forever have faith... One day you will stand at this pulpit and be able to say that it's all true."

We have a great obligation. A great thing is required for the grace of God. We must have more faith. When Christ died, there was a lot of dismay and confusion. According to Peter, there were 120 people left after the Crucifiction. Or at least that is how many people came to the meeting held by Peter. What Christ taught was hard doctrine. People were unprepared. He kept saying what was going to happen, but they didn't get it. [Now refer to John Ch. 21] So at this last meeting, Peter (in effect) says, 'Well, it was a great three years. Let's go fishing." He had no idea what else to do. EH is sure he was doing his best, but Peter really had no idea of what to do. So he went fishing. In the morning there was a figure on the shore, but they didn't know who he was. When they didn't have any success fishing, the figure called out 'Try the right side of the boat.' Now this sounded a little fishy to them because that was they same thing they heard when they were first called 3 years ago. So they tried the right side of the boat, and sure enough, their nets burst as the fish came reeling in. Then John said, 'It's Him.' And loving, impetuous Peter, jumped in. EH: "Not a good analogy to make when I just told you to stay in the Boat. But, Hey Peter, if the shoe fits, wear it!" EH finds it sweet and loving that the Savior has food prepared for them when they come in. He knows they haven't had success and He knows they must be hungry. Now EH wants us to focus on this moment. [So when they had dined, Jesus saith to Simon Peter, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me more than these?] Jesus asks Peter if he loves Him more than the fish and the bread. Peter easily answers yes and thinks he passed the test. So they chat and Jesus asks him a second time. 'Lovest thou me?' Peter, a little hesitant this time, toe in the ground answers, 'thou knowest that I love thee.' So they talk some more. Then a third time, "And Peter is a little sensitive about threes..." Jesus asks him, 'Do you love me?' This time Peter is worried and it takes all the courage he has to answer, 'Yes I do. I do love you!' Then Jesus firmly answers (in EH's words), "Then FEED MY SHEEP . This is not over. You are in this forever. You are in this until it's over. YOU CAN NEVER GO BACK." 

"Before we felt what we felt or saw what we saw, whether we liked it or not, it changed us forever." Jesus is telling Peter that if he loves Him, Peter will forget the nets and devote his life to bringing the gospel to the earth. It was then that Peter's learning curve shot straight up. Up until that time, Peter didn't get it, but after that moment, he understood. From that time on, he was a witness and an apostle of the Lord. From there he would be crucified upside down so as to never appear to be equal to the Savior. But he understood his role.

EH ends on this point. "It's not over until it's over. We are supposed to help." In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

The End

My personal thoughts: This talk touched me in many, many ways, some of which are too personal to share. But one thing that I do want to share with you is that it really helped solidify my testimony of our Savior. I know that I have a call to testify of Him. I know that I am supposed to help spread this gospel on the earth and help lift people to their true potentials. I know that reaching our highest and most divine goals is impossible without our Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ. I am grateful that we have such powerful witnesses oh Him on the earth today. The Prophet and Apostles are here to lead and guide us and I am so grateful for their testimonies. I know that what Elder Holland said is absolutely true, and I invite everyone to read the notes and scriptures he provided. Pray about them and ponder them. They can deeply enrich your life. 

If you would like to know more about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, our members, and the message we share, click here, or feel free to contact me with any questions you may have.

I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.